Thursday, January 30, 2014

Change

I was asked how me and my family have changed since Landyn's death.  I've spent some time thinking on it. I know the change is there, but putting it into words is hard. 

 My first thought was of my children. I feel they've been robbed of a certain innocence.  In our world, babies die, mommies cry, children play in cemeteries, birthdays are had for absent people, playing dollies occasionally involves a baby doll that goes to "keaven", when our Ian sleeps too long or is too still the question is asked, "Did he die?"  I often wonder how my children REALLY are and what they think. I wonder, years from now, how they will describe this time in our lives.

The changes in me are harder to voice. I know for certain I am more aware of the baby loss community. Hurting women; pictures of perfect, still, little babies; giving advice to and asking advice from other loss moms is part of  my daily life.  EVERY DAY my life involves someone who has walked down this path.

 I've learned the fine art of faking it. People don't want to see how I truly feel, so I just put it away when I need to.  I am often surprised at my ability to control myself.

 I've always been a person that feels a bit like an outsider. I'm not good at making friends, I'm not good at groups, I always feel like I shouldn't assume I'm wanted.  Over the last year that holding back instinct in me has multiplied a thousand times.  I keep drawing my circle in closer and closer....I guess I expect those that really want me, that want the REAL me will pursue me.  I'm sure there are people that think I'm a snob, that I'm not friendly. The truth is I'm so afraid of being hurt more that it is just easier to be alone then to reach out. 

I never used to be a crier and now, well, now I know there is no limit to tears.

I never knew life could be so complicated and that I would develop a real longing for Heaven.

I hold those crazy moments a little closer to my heart. A baby that loves to kick bath water all over is not an inconvenience.

When I see my children together as a group I tend to see who isn't there, not who is.

I wrestle continually with the question, "How many children do you have?"  I hate it.  My heart screams 6.  I also dread, "At least you got one girl!"  NO! NO! NO! I have TWO.  One gets pretty pink clothes and one has a pretty pink headstone.

Right now my life feels as if it is in a constant state of adjustment. I never know if today will be a good day or if some well meaning person will say the wrong thing. I never know if for no good reason at all it will be a day when getting out of bed seems like an overwhelming task. I never know if it will be a day that I'll focus only on the good things that have become or if I won't be able to see past the hurt.

There was a time in my life that I wondered what would happen if my faith was put to a test. Would I become bitter and walk away? Now I know the answer.  I will cry from pain that feels as if it is suffocating me, I will feel lost and alone, I will beg God to make it stop, I will be confused and sometimes angry, but I will fight because there is hope.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

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