Being that she's been gone only a little over a year there hasn't been time to develop rituals. Keeping her grave neat and pretty has been very important to me. Last year we "decorated" for each different season. Pumpkins and mums in the fall, a tree for Christmas, pinwheels for spring, balloons and butterflies for her birthday. I already have her pumpkin for this year. I'm hoping to carve or draw a butterfly on it. We also got her a tiny tree at home for Christmas, and each year I'd like to add a special ornament. We go the hospital's ceremony in May and the balloon release in October. We also had a family day on her birthday, went to the zoo. Really it was more for the sake of not sitting around being miserable, but I'd like to make it a tradition to do something that day. It's about including her in our family, speaking her name, keeping her memory going.
|Just a few days ago at the balloon release. I wrote on my balloon, "For a know the plans I have for you..."|
Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
Wow. That's a lot of questions. A lot of questions that involve a lot of deep thinking. Honestly, right now, I don't know. I'm certainly in a better place then I was last year at this point. I really think between Ian being born and school starting back up again, along with the rest of normal life I haven't really had time to think or really look too hard at where I am. I do wonder, with a smidge of fear, once life settles a little if I'll crash. I cringe at the thought of revisiting the depression. Nights have always been the hardest, well right now I'm either busy in the night, or exhausted and out cold. I'm trying not to think about what may come and just deal with what is. I miss her. I miss her tons. The last week has been really hard for some reason. I finally pulled her blanket out and I've been sleeping with it under my pillow. Just having it there to run a hand over helps a little. I'm glad to leave last year behind, but not to keen on going forward knowing it'll always hurt. I'm definitely still trying to figure it all out. I think often I look like I'm doing better then I really am.