Sunday, October 6, 2013

Capture Your Grief, Day 2 and 3

Day 2, Identity.

We named her Landyn Alana Mullaney. Pretty, isn't it?  Our first 4 children's names start with J,K, M, and N.  Not in that order...and no, we didn't do that on purpose. But, I knew if we had another one we needed an L name to complete the sequence. Landyn was my first choice for a girl (which I totally stole from someone!) and Liam was our boy name. We ended up with Alana because it is Hawaiian and this baby was "supposed" to happen on our anniversary trip to Hawaii.  Of course, that didn't happen, but we enjoy a surprise baby too and kept the name anyway. Usually we have our baby names picked out once we know gender. This time, however, we did not know gender until she was born. We stayed with the name we had picked out ahead of time, though, because it was meant for her when we chose it.

She was 5 1/2 inches long, from the tip of my fingers to my wrist. She weighed only 2 1/2 ounces,  small for her length and age. Whether she had not been thriving and didn't gain correctly or was the correct size and began to lose the weight once she had died we'll never know. So small, but every tiny part of her was just perfect. She certainly had more growing to do, but you could easily tell she had the same nose as Kylee, 3 knuckles on each finger, and the tiniest toes. She was beautiful.

Day 3, Myths

This one is supposed to be myths about grief. There certainly are a LOT. This one came to mind right away. "At least you have other children" "You can always have more" "Now that you've had a new baby you can move on"  HA!  Each one of my children is unique and loved for themselves. I don't love my children as a group and think that as long as I have a few everything will be ok. I also did not give birth to Ian and gain the ability to skip happily along. No, I want ALL my kids with me. Every last one of them is wanted and loved. No one replaces another.

I see this and I see who is there and who is missing.  We aren't complete...


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