When you've started this post a hundred time and can't come up with words, what then? What do you write when your child's first birthday has come and gone? What do you write when that child spent that birthday in heaven and you had to figure out how to spend it without her? How DO you have a birthday without the birthday person? Do you have a cake? Who will blow out the candles? How can a mom plan for her baby's birthday by figuring out how to weigh down a balloon at the cemetery or which flowers to set by the headstone? Do you expect people to remember the date or should you remind them? Do you feel hurt if most of the people you call family and friends have no idea of the date or the struggle you endured for weeks before? Do you just excuse them because they really have no idea? How do you wrap your head around the fact that if she was here she'd be almost 8 months old? How do you make your head understand that instead you have a wonderful two month old? How can you have two babies you love so much within 10 months of each other? How can you not look into this new baby's eyes and just love every minute but at the same time feel your heart break in two because you never had that with the other? How can my most precious possessions on earth be 3 tiny sets of footprints, 2 pictures, and a blanket? How can I even be in this place, this place that people know exist but no one ever thinks they'll be? How can I have formed wonderful friendships and bonds all with women who also ache for their little ones? How can I feel safer sharing my heart with them then with most people I actually know? How can I honor my Landyn's life? By sending out the blankets? By praying for and being friends with the moms in my support group? By being willing to listen to and talk with the hundreds of other angel moms I've come in contact with? Is this why she died? Am I supposed to have a place among these women so I can understand enough to help in some way? Can I really do this? Can I hurt and cry AND be a blessing to someone else? God, is this where you would have me? Am I doing it right? Are there even answers to any of this?
Happy birthday Landyn Alana. I love you and miss you more then words can describe.
First birthday in heaven, 8/25/13