Friday, July 5, 2013

What's Next?

Four days from now is my due date. This baby could literally be asked to be born any second now. I am very, very anxious for that moment and yet scared to death also. You see, even though I knew that people lost pregnancies, that they buried babies, I didn't really KNOW until I said goodbye to my own tiny, little angel. I am afraid of starting out this whole, horrible journey all over again, only this time magnified by twice the loss.  People say things like, "Well, everything is fine right?" and "Just trust God."  I'd like to tell those people that everything was perfect with Landyn, there were no warning signs. One appointment I heard her heart and the next I was told she had died. Life can be gone in a moment. There is no reason for me to think something will go wrong this time, but there is also no reason for me not to think that something COULD go wrong.  And as for the trusting part, well, no one can know how much I am trusting or not except myself. I happen to have full confidence that God will get me through anything....but that does not mean life will be all puppies and rainbows. Anyone who even suggests to me, or believes themselves, that trusting God means you'll skip through life without a tear is a shamefully ignorant person.  My fears do not lie with Ian's life, they lie with the deep, aching, unbearable pain that will follow loss for days and months and years. Once you've experienced it you certainly have no desire to start over.  I know he'll be fine no matter the outcome....but until I'm called home I have to deal with what I'm handed here. My anxiousness right now comes from wanting this baby out NOW. Being pregnant doesn't feel safe any more. It used to feel like the womb was the safest place but now I know that things can happen in there I can't see coming and I can't stop. I know God protects no matter the place but for my human sake I just want this baby out where I can hear him cry and feel his warm little body.  But I'm also scared, scared that I've made it this far and something will go wrong still. He's been an active little guy and I fear cord accidents, that one will happen before or even during birth. I almost hear the people questioning this but you have to understand that I have talked to hundreds of angel moms over the last few months and I have a very "eyes wide open" understanding of the things that happen.  I find myself fearing dumb things that have never crossed my mind before...having him out of my sight, going to sleep and not watching him, someone dropping him. It's silly I suppose but I can't help it, I just do my best to talk myself through it.  I haven't been excited, I won't let myself. I was surprised the other day to feel myself think, "Huh, I really might have a baby to take care of soon. Maybe I should be getting things ready."  That's not normal. Normal people at 4 days before their due date do not wonder if they will have a baby to put in those clothes, diapers, and various baby gear.  I really don't know which way my life will go from here.  But God has been reminding me that NO ONE does. There is no guarantee for anything on earth. Life is fragile. I'm working on the fear, I certainly don't enjoy it. But maybe knowing that things can go wrong and knowing my plans mean nothing is a good thing. I don't like not knowing what may come around the next corner but I know I can trust in Someone who does. As I find myself increasingly annoyed with people and careless comments of how I should feel or think, perhaps I should consider myself lucky in the lessons I've learned.  So, for know, I find myself waiting for what comes next. Will I have a little one to bring home and hug or will I be buying the headstone I've already designed in my mind?  I do know that I'm ready for THIS part to be over. I've been pregnant (with the exception of those few weeks in between) for over 14 months. Physically, my body is tired. Emotionally, I've never done anything this difficult, grieving one child while desperately hoping to get to keep this next one has not been a fun journey. I'm ready to move forward, to whatever is next. Praying God will answer my prayers MY way then immediately asking for peace no matter what He sends. " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

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