Thursday, July 11, 2013

More Fears

"Why are you STILL here?!"  This exasperated question comes from my 8 year old son first thing one morning.  Apparently his first stop in the  morning is to peak into my room to see if I've gone to have the baby yet.  My due date was two days ago so baby could....pleeeeeeease....come any second now. My children have been quite intrigued by this whole growing a human process. It's been 3 1/2 years since we've had a baby in the house so they don't really remember much of that and Landyn's pregnancy didn't really seem to register with them as I was just starting to really show when she died.  All of the kids call the baby by name and all like to feel and watch him bump around in there.  They've had a great time helping to set up and using dolls to try out the swing and car seat and other various baby gear.  They ask me daily, multiple times, when he is going to come.  They are eager to meet our new baby and love him already. I look at them and my heart just squeezes painfully as I ask God to please, please not hurt their little hearts by asking them to say goodbye to this baby they anticipate so much.  I've asked for myself and I fear my own pain in that circumstance but oh how I want to spare my kids.  This would be so much different for them than Landyn's death was. Last time their pain seemed to stem more from the family disturbance and my hurt, then from their own sense of loss. Then there wasn't a baby for them to feel move, they didn't see their mom growing bigger and bigger.  I want so much to guarantee for them that they will have this little baby to carry around and hug and eventually get annoyed with.  Life now is not what it ever has been in the past, I see everything through a different filter. These are not doubts in God's will but a very been there kind of understanding in what could happen.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

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