Baby and I are at 30 weeks and 4 days. On Tuesday we switch over to single digits in our countdown until the due date. Physically, I think this has been my easiest pregnancy. I didn't struggle too much with morning sickness (except I STILL gag over toothpaste!) and besides the normal pains and tiredness I don't really have any complaints. Mentally and emotionally, however, I've never gone through anything like this that I actually volunteered for. The beginning was...well...it's not something you can really put into words so well. Overwhelming, might be a poor attempt at putting a word there. After I passed week 20, which is when Landyn was born, I was able to relax considerably. It has been helpful that baby is very active...like crazy active. Sometimes I wonder if he's really that much more busy than my other babies were or is it that I am so in tune with everything he does, or doesn't do, that I notice more.
Several weeks ago I went to a huge kid's consignment sale, one of my favorite days of the year. The sale has tons of baby stuff and there were a few things I needed. I wrote a list of what I was after, managed to get into the sale early, and shot right over to strollers. Picked out a stroller for a good price, got a bathtub, then wandered around to look for some things for the other kids. After taking care of what I needed, I found myself looking at baby clothes for Jr. Ended up finding several outfits, some brand new, for a great price. Then it hit me. I was standing there next to the clothing rack with these hangers in my hands and I felt the panic. The panic that has your mind screaming, "But what if I don't get to keep him?!" I wanted to just leave the stuff, all of it, and get in my car and go home. I had to actually talk myself into keeping the clothes, bringing it all to the register, and buying it.
After that I haven't done anything else in preparation. There hasn't really been any need, time wise, so I just haven't thought about it. Yesterday, though, I started writing out a list of things I need to do before baby gets here. It's a long list. Some of it, has nothing to do with having a baby, like finishing the spring cleaning and ordering next year's school books. It's on the list because I'd like to do it NOW before my mind is taken up with a new little person. Other things on the list involve baby clothes and gear and shopping for random things he'll need. I feel the panic. At some point I do actually need to be prepared to bring this baby home, but there is the fear of getting it all ready and not coming home with a baby. This is not a fear I can talk myself out of. Panic seems like such a wimpy word to describe what hits me when I let myself think about it. I shake, I can't breathe, I get an instant headache. The closer I get to the due date the more I feel this. Because if he was born right now more than likely he would be fine with a minimal hospital stay. I obviously want him to stay in as long as he needs to in order to be healthy, but I feel like I'm racing the clock. Every minute I wait seems an eternity. I want him out, I want to hear him scream and feel his warm little body. I worry that the labor and delivery...just being a patient in the hospital...might send me into some kind of flashback. I just want it all over and I want to bring him home.
I laugh at the people that say it seems like my pregnancy has gone by fast. I've been counting minutes and seconds since I found out. 9 weeks and 3 days and counting.