Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Heard some verses in church on Sunday (plus some I found on my own) that have had me thinking.  Landyn is never far from my mind and I'm always trying to figure out how to take that next step or just surviving where I'm am at the moment, so things like this stick in my head.  Heard these verses, have them memorized (mostly =) , but it sure is good when things like this are brought to your attention again.

James 1:2-4,12
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God promised to those who love him.

James 5:11
You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Well, perseverance and persevere appear 6 times....that warrants a trip to the dictionary just to be sure I do actually know what it means.    I found...continued effort to do or achieve something, to persist, to carry on in spite of difficulty or opposition.  I like how the verses say rejoice while IN our sufferings. Not because of the circumstances, but during them. A "glass is half full" kind of deal...the good is there, you just need to look. But more than this, the story does not go "....and your baby died, and you were sad forever. The End."  Sure, she did die and I am certain the sadness will never completely leave, BUT there is MORE. After the testing, after the trial, after the suffering; you grow, you develop character, you gain hope, you become complete.  The verse about Job is interesting. Job lost everything. God did not do that to him. God let it happen, but He did not do it. Same thing? No...not really.  And after the trials were over God gave him so much more than he had.  God had compassion and mercy.  I look forward to this. I know it's not over, there is more. And IF I let it, it will be good. I so do not want Landyn's story to be that she died and her mother lost it forever. I want a happy ending for all of us....but I don't want to wait until I die for that...I want it to start now.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

....and counting.

Baby and I are at 30 weeks and 4 days. On Tuesday we switch over to single digits in our countdown until the due date.  Physically, I think this has been my easiest pregnancy. I didn't struggle too much with morning sickness (except I STILL gag over toothpaste!) and besides the normal pains and tiredness I don't really have any complaints.  Mentally and emotionally, however, I've never gone through anything like this that I actually volunteered for.  The beginning was...well...it's not something you can really put into words so well. Overwhelming, might be a poor attempt at putting a word there. After I passed week 20, which is when Landyn was born, I was able to relax considerably. It has been helpful that baby is very active...like crazy active. Sometimes I wonder if he's really that much more busy than my other babies were or is it that I am so in tune with everything he does, or doesn't do, that I notice more.

 Several weeks ago I went to a huge kid's consignment sale, one of my favorite days of the year. The sale has tons of baby stuff and there were a few things I needed. I wrote a list of what I was after, managed to get into the sale early, and shot right over to strollers. Picked out a stroller for a good price, got a bathtub, then wandered around to look for some things for the other kids.  After taking care of what I needed, I found myself looking at baby clothes for Jr. Ended up finding several outfits, some brand new, for a great price. Then it hit me. I was standing there next to the clothing rack with these hangers in my hands and I felt the panic. The panic that has your mind screaming, "But what if I don't get to keep him?!"  I wanted to just leave the stuff, all of it, and get in my car and go home. I had to actually talk myself into keeping the clothes, bringing it all to the register, and buying it.

After that I haven't done anything else in preparation.  There hasn't really been any need, time wise, so I just haven't thought about it. Yesterday, though, I started writing out a list of things I need to do before baby gets here. It's a long list.  Some of it, has nothing to do with having a baby, like finishing the spring cleaning and ordering next year's school books. It's on the list because I'd like to do it NOW before my mind is taken up with a new little person.  Other things on the list involve baby clothes and gear and shopping for random things he'll need.  I feel the panic. At some point I do actually need to be prepared to bring this baby home, but there is the fear of getting it all ready and not coming home with a baby. This is not a fear I can talk myself out of. Panic seems like such a wimpy word to describe what hits me when I let myself think about it. I shake, I can't breathe, I get an instant headache. The closer I get to the due date the more I feel this. Because if he was born right now more than likely he would be fine with a minimal hospital stay. I obviously want him to stay in as long as he needs to in order to be healthy, but I feel like I'm racing the clock. Every minute I wait seems an eternity. I want him out, I want to hear him scream and feel his warm little body.  I worry that the labor and delivery...just being a patient in the hospital...might send me into some kind of flashback. I just want it all over and I want to bring him home.

I laugh at the people that say it seems like my pregnancy has gone by fast. I've been counting minutes and seconds since I found out.  9 weeks and 3 days and counting.