Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sleepless

It has been a while since lack of ability to sleep has had me sitting on the couch typing. I guess that's good. I had three weeks that I really felt good. I mean that fairly loosely....good meaning I could function and didn't feel that dark cloud lingering over me, in that time there was definitely still "moments". Three weeks, that's it. The past 5 or 6 since then have been a steady, slow decline. Don't know if it's just part of the normal ups and downs of grief or if it's that plus a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones. Either way I hate the feeling of slowly sinking.  Probably it doesn't help that the further I get from Landyn's birth the more I expect of myself and the less time I give myself to deal with whatever it is that I happen to be feeling. It builds up and I crash hard. What are my alternatives though? I have a family of 6 that needs me to function reasonably well. My day to day life is packed full. Sure, there is almost daily a time where Landyn is in my thoughts or I wipe a tear or two away but that isn't the same as letting myself think and feel and really acknowledge all this crap that bounces around in my head.  I miss her. Words can't even explain how much I want her here, how I long to just hold her.  I feel like part of me is missing and rest is just trying to survive.  I feel fake...often. I can pull myself together, go out, smile, say the right things, and not mean a single second of it. But I have to...it's what people expect, or at least what they are most comfortable with.  I'm not lying when I say I just don't feel like I belong anywhere any more.  Home is the "safest" place and there certainly is plenty to do here.  I'm lonely, so lonely. Part of that is self inflicted. Because I don't feel like I fit right or I have to put on a smile for others it's just easier to stay at home. I've found the more lonely I feel the more I pull away from everyone. Ironic.  But, *I* am still trying to figure myself out and half the time I can't so I certainly don't want to put that on others.  Overall I see improvement in myself but these specific moments when it all just becomes too hard to deal with...well, I wish they'd just stop.

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