Seems like time gets longer and longer in between blog posts. There is a lack of ability to put my thoughts into words that make sense. I also fear people getting tired of my continually writing about confusion and sadness.
Lately I've felt a lack of belonging. Well, maybe not just lately, but I guess I thought some of that would be gone by now. I feel that I am only truly accepted, understood, and able to really be honest among other angel moms. It's starting to feel like I'm the member of some secret underground cult. We pretend to be like everyone else, but when connected with each other we are able to talk about the things no one else can understand. How good it is to mention some struggle that would make "normal" people lift an eyebrow and not only not feel weird but to be reassured many others have had those exact same problems. Some days I almost feel like I'm hiding, staying where it's safe amidst people who KNOW.
I have had great success with my Angel Blankets project. Here I thought I was making a one time donation and God has turned it into a full time deal. I started my facebook page in December and since then have gained over 200 "likes" and sent out 83 blankets. Just recently I started taking special request orders and making blanket for specific angels and their moms. I let the moms choose a color if they have a preference and I try to make the blanket to the size of the baby. This idea has been met with a lot of thankfulness and enthusiasm. I received over 25 orders in just one weekend. Many mommas have nothing but empty arms and a broken heart and just want someone to acknowledge that their baby and grief is REAL. I've been overwhelmed at how I've seen God in this. I've tried to sit back, not stress, and just let Him work and right before I received those 25 orders He sent me a large monetary donation and a LOT of yarn. Then, I got quite a few inquiries of people wanting to make blankets and send them to me and even more money and yarn donations. It seems God wants me to do this...conveniently, my heart needs to.
Ian. What a long pregnancy this has been. I am at 27 weeks. It feels like years. There were only a few weeks in between Landyn and Ian's pregnancies, so basically I've been pregnant for a year this month. My body is tired. The worrying has gotten better. Now that Ian is bigger and I can feel him moving so well I am reassured often that he is ok. He moves a lot and for a 2lb peanut he can deliver quite the kick. Honestly this tells me more than any dr appointment. Not all the fear is gone though. I've found that when the sadness gets bigger so does the worrying. I don't think the fear will ever completely go away either. I have always been a fairly relaxed parent but I just don't know if I'll be able to deal with a baby in the same ways I always have. I think forward to delivery and finally getting him in my arms and I just panic over the thought of him leaving my room. I'm planning on asking for his bath and such to be done in the room. Not sure how they'll feel about that but I'm pretty sure when I wig out they'll cooperate. I've never had problems like that, I've actually always sent the baby to the nursery at night. Maybe by July I'll change my mind, but I don't think so.
Life is slowly heading towards a normal. I've been able to start functioning again. I can make grocery lists, cook dinner, do laundry, and do school with the kids. Some of you may not get that. It may seem odd to you that I couldn't do those things. Pretty much just dealing with myself mentally and emotionally has been about all that I could handle. It's nice to feel a sense of normal again, to feel that I can do the things my family needs me to do. It's not because the pain is gone, or even any less, its just that you figure out how to deal with it and accomplish life at the same time.
School is on the home stretch. I'm glad. Our 4th quarter starts on monday. We have already started finishing curriculum and several more subjects will be finished in the next couple weeks. What then? Well, we do field trips, take hikes, go geocaching, and anything else that's fun and educational to finish off our required hours. I've already selected our curriculum for next year, the kids are not impressed. =] But for now we are looking forward to summer and being a little lazy.
Today is kind of a slumpy day. Like I said, I've been more delicate. But, being that we're on break from school and my house is relatively clean I'm just taking the day to let myself be slumpy. So far I've done nothing but drink coffee and mess around on the computer. My 3 year old is still in her pjs. Oh well. I feel a book and a blanket afternoon coming. Sometimes it's best to not push yourself, to not pretend, and just BE.