Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sleepless

It has been a while since lack of ability to sleep has had me sitting on the couch typing. I guess that's good. I had three weeks that I really felt good. I mean that fairly loosely....good meaning I could function and didn't feel that dark cloud lingering over me, in that time there was definitely still "moments". Three weeks, that's it. The past 5 or 6 since then have been a steady, slow decline. Don't know if it's just part of the normal ups and downs of grief or if it's that plus a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones. Either way I hate the feeling of slowly sinking.  Probably it doesn't help that the further I get from Landyn's birth the more I expect of myself and the less time I give myself to deal with whatever it is that I happen to be feeling. It builds up and I crash hard. What are my alternatives though? I have a family of 6 that needs me to function reasonably well. My day to day life is packed full. Sure, there is almost daily a time where Landyn is in my thoughts or I wipe a tear or two away but that isn't the same as letting myself think and feel and really acknowledge all this crap that bounces around in my head.  I miss her. Words can't even explain how much I want her here, how I long to just hold her.  I feel like part of me is missing and rest is just trying to survive.  I feel fake...often. I can pull myself together, go out, smile, say the right things, and not mean a single second of it. But I have to...it's what people expect, or at least what they are most comfortable with.  I'm not lying when I say I just don't feel like I belong anywhere any more.  Home is the "safest" place and there certainly is plenty to do here.  I'm lonely, so lonely. Part of that is self inflicted. Because I don't feel like I fit right or I have to put on a smile for others it's just easier to stay at home. I've found the more lonely I feel the more I pull away from everyone. Ironic.  But, *I* am still trying to figure myself out and half the time I can't so I certainly don't want to put that on others.  Overall I see improvement in myself but these specific moments when it all just becomes too hard to deal with...well, I wish they'd just stop.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Blankets

I find myself occasionally asking, "God, couldn't there have been another way?"  Because my Landyn went to heaven my eyes have been opened to a huge need and opportunity.  I learned to crochet with the intention of making a few blankets to donate to the hospital in time for Landyn's due date.  Never would I have imagined where this would go. A simple idea now a huge part of my every day life.  The first two months that I donated blankets I sent out 78. Over the last week I have received more than 50 requests for blankets.  The request idea kind of popped into my head after I offered to make one specifically for a mom I had been emailing. I hadn't decided yet if I would even do it, not knowing if I could afford it or have the time, and I got the first message on my Angel Blankets facebook page asking if I only donated to hospitals or did I make them for individuals. I knew I no longer had to decide. How could I possibly tell a mother I wouldn't give her that tiny bit of support.  To say the idea has exploded is no joke. I hate there is a need...but I love that there is something I can do.  Every time the requests take a jump so does the money, yarn, and blankets donated.  I feel, so clearly, God not only asking me to do this, but making it very easy.  The moms are so thankful. All they want is someone to acknowledge their pain and their baby. I can do that simply by making a little blanket.  I can't make it better, they know that, I know that. But, just to have something to hold on to when that ache in arms comes, just to have someone say your child's name. I know how important it is to me.  See, most people stay very far from the subject of our little angels, they don't want to hurt us by bringing it up. You know what? We are hurt by the silence.  Yes, we are deeply hurt by the loss...but pretending it never happened does not make us better.  We love our babies. We carried them in our bodies, now we carry them in our hearts.  Not only do I make blankets but I'm praying for these moms, I talk to them, I use their baby's names.  I can because I know and I share the same pain and frustration. When I ask if there could have been another way I don't know if it's my own logic or the voice of God himself that softly whispers, "No."

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Rambling Thoughts, A little of this, a little of that

Seems like time gets longer and longer in between blog posts. There is a lack of ability to put my thoughts into words that make sense. I also fear people getting tired of my continually writing about confusion and sadness.

Lately I've felt a lack of belonging. Well, maybe not just lately, but I guess I thought some of that would be gone by now.  I feel that I am only truly accepted, understood, and able to really be honest among other angel moms. It's starting to feel like I'm the  member of some secret underground cult. We pretend to be like everyone else, but when connected with each other we are able to talk about the things no one else can understand. How good it is to mention some struggle that would make "normal" people lift an eyebrow and not only not feel weird but to be reassured many others have had those exact same problems.  Some days I almost feel like I'm hiding, staying where it's safe amidst people who KNOW.

I have had great success with my Angel Blankets project. Here I thought I was making a one time donation and God has turned it into a full time deal.  I started my facebook page in December and since then have gained over 200 "likes" and sent out 83 blankets. Just recently I started taking special request orders and making blanket for specific angels and their moms. I let the moms choose a color if they have a preference and I try to make the blanket to the size of the baby. This idea has been met with a lot of thankfulness and enthusiasm. I received over 25 orders in just one weekend. Many mommas have nothing but empty arms and a broken heart and just want someone to acknowledge that their baby and grief is REAL. I've been overwhelmed at how I've seen God in this. I've tried to sit back, not stress, and just let Him work and right before I received those 25 orders He sent me a large monetary donation and a LOT of yarn. Then, I got quite a few inquiries of people wanting to make blankets and send them to me and even more money and yarn donations. It seems God wants me to do this...conveniently, my heart needs to.

Ian. What a long pregnancy this has been. I am at 27 weeks. It feels like years. There were only a few weeks in between Landyn and Ian's pregnancies, so basically I've been pregnant for a year this month. My body is tired. The worrying has gotten better. Now that Ian is bigger and I can feel him moving so well I am reassured often that he is ok. He moves a lot and for a 2lb peanut he can deliver quite the kick. Honestly this tells me more than any dr appointment. Not all the fear is gone though. I've found that when the sadness gets bigger so does the worrying. I don't think the fear will ever completely go away either. I have always been a fairly relaxed parent but I just don't know if I'll be able to deal with a baby in the same ways I always have. I think forward to delivery and finally getting him in my arms and I just panic over the thought of him leaving my room. I'm planning on asking for his bath and such to be done in the room. Not sure how they'll feel about that but I'm pretty sure when I wig out they'll cooperate. I've never had problems like that, I've actually always sent the baby to the nursery at night. Maybe by July I'll change my mind, but I don't think so.

Life is slowly heading towards a normal. I've been able to start functioning again. I can make grocery lists, cook dinner, do laundry, and do school with the kids. Some of you may not get that. It may seem odd to you that I couldn't do those things. Pretty much just dealing with myself mentally and emotionally has been about all that I could handle. It's nice to feel a sense of normal again, to feel that I can do the things my family needs me to do. It's not because the pain is gone, or even any less, its just that you figure out how to deal with it and accomplish life at the same time.

School is on the  home stretch. I'm glad. Our 4th quarter starts on monday. We have already started finishing curriculum and several more subjects will be finished in the next couple weeks. What then? Well, we do field trips, take hikes, go geocaching, and anything else that's fun and educational to finish off our required hours. I've already selected our curriculum for next year, the kids are not impressed. =]  But for now we are looking forward to summer and being a little lazy.

Today is kind of a slumpy day. Like I said, I've been more delicate. But, being that we're on break from school and my house is relatively clean I'm just taking the day to let myself be slumpy. So far I've done nothing but drink coffee and mess around on the computer. My 3 year old is still in her pjs. Oh well. I feel a book and a blanket afternoon coming.  Sometimes it's best to not push yourself, to not pretend, and just BE.