I honestly don't know if I'll be able to take what is in my head and type it in a way that makes sense to everyone else. But, here's to trying....
I think in many bad situations most people look for a why. We want answers, we want reasons, we want to understand. Many of those people will be anxiously looking for what good will come of this bad thing. Kind of "If God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window". I've been thinking on this a lot lately. I think I'm just like anyone else. I want God to turn this huge sadness in my life into something wonderful. But then I think, even if He did, would it make me glad to have lost Landyn? Would whatever this good thing is be so good that it cancels out the pain in my heart?
Let me tell you what I've seen happen. Because Landyn died I have Ian. Because Landyn died I have a very personal view of the pain a mom goes through in this type of situation. Because Landyn died I started Angel Blankets so moms of angels will know someone, somewhere acknowledges their baby and their pain. Because Landyn died I've had to type out my swirling thoughts and others have gotten a glimpse of something they may never have thought of otherwise. Because Landyn died I've had others tell me of their own losses, some said they had never told anyone else, some had been pushed to "get over it" and had never really grieved, some are just alone and want another angel mom to cry with. Because Landyn died I've gotten a good look at where my trust lies.
These are all good things. But none of them take away the pain, the emptiness in my heart. You know what? That's ok. Every now and then I think, "God, couldn't you have given me a passion for this WITHOUT my baby dying?" Honestly, I think the answer is no. True, God is God, and He certainly could have put awareness and sympathy in my heart. But would I be able to relate as well, would I be able to truly know the emptiness, the loneliness, the physical ache of your arms to hold your baby? No.
On the flip side of this, while all these things that are happening are good I DO NOT think that God took my baby's life so they could happen. Death exists. People get sick and die. Living and dying are a normal part of this world. Sure, God is God, He could have saved her, so in a way He allowed it to happen. But that all goes hand in hand with sin being in the world, the curse, and humans' free will. It's a bit complicated to think through, I suppose. I really believe that these opportunities came to be by course of events through Landyn's death. I didn't have to take any of them. I certainly didn't have to choose to have another baby. Landyn was going to be our last. I could just let myself be angry, bitter, uncompassionate. I don't have to spend hours making blankets. I am not forced to share my inner most thoughts and pain for all to see. I don't have to talk with other moms and hurt for them. I choose to do the best I can, to take those opportunities to make Landyn's death mean something. To not let the pain just be pain, but to teach me. To help others in small ways. These different opportunities have come to be because I lost her, but I don't think they are the reason I lost her.
So that brings us back to the "why?". In the first chapter of Habakkuk, Habakkuk is asking a big why and God responds with "For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." You need to read the whole thing to understand that what is going on there is nothing like this situation but I think the same answer can be applied. If God was to answer me, if I shouted, "WHY?" would I even be able to understand His answer? Would I even believe Him? Would that answer be enough and make me feel all better? Probably not. The things of Heaven just can't be understood here on earth and while we're here we deal with earthly thoughts and emotions.
So maybe the question shouldn't be "Why?" maybe the question should be, "What can I do with this?" It's one of my biggest prayers for myself. That I will take where I am and use it. It certainly isn't always easy. Actually, in many ways it comes with a lot of pain of it's own. Hearing that the hospital has used some of my blankets makes my heart hurt and brings back all kinds of emotions. I almost always cry while typing these posts. I hear other's stories and just ache for the pain I know they have. In many ways just shutting down and ignoring any of these opportunities would be a lot easier. Easier, but useless.
So the next time you find yourself in a situation that has you asking, "Why?" remember that having that answer probably won't make you feel any better. Your energy might better be spent on asking yourself, "What can I do with this?"