Thursday, January 3, 2013

Randomly Curious

I've wanted to continue writing on this blog. For some time I've mulled over the different things I could write.  I have to be honest, I still don't know exactly what to write or how to write it.  So, so much has happened, in my life as well as in my head and heart.  I hold back.  How to put emotions into words? How to explain something that can only be understood by going through it?  I think my biggest hesitation has been people.  Those few posts about Landyn got almost 1,000 hits.  Do you know how many people have CONSISTENTLY asked me how I'm doing? 2.  I know people care, I know people get busy.  I just have a hard time writing about what has been the hardest time of my life, the darkest days, the most I've ever felt God hold really bare my soul...and think that most of the people who read about it are only curious.  Now, please dont read this and think I'm thinking specific names in my head. I'm really not. And this isn't some rant about how nobody loves me or anything ridiculous like that. I'm just explaining my long silence and why even at this moment I am not sure where this blog post is going.  And please, please do not all of you freak out, feel guilty, and starting calling me....pity friends are worse then no friends.

How many of you can remember where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news about the twin towers? I believe this is called flashbulb memory.  I have FIVE DAYS of this.  Not just tiny bits and pieces but much of five days time, from waking up on the day I went to that appt until the night of Landyn's graveside service.  There are times when I get to thinking of her or specific events from those days and I start to see it all. It's almost like a movie playing in my head, it's really like I can almost see it, hear it, again.  I'm betting some of you are thinking I need therapy.  There are some things you can't forget, don't want to forget.  Even the pain, the confusion, from those days is important because it's all wrapped together with remembering those tiny feet, her small hands with 3 impossibly small knuckles, that nose just like Kylee's. 

Never before have I desired heaven. I always planned on being there some day. I've read it's a nice place.  But never has my heart just ached to be there.  Now, I'm not talking crazy, suicidal wanting to be there.  I am talking about the fact that one of my children is some place without me.  My facebook was filled with moms of college age students counting down the days until their kids came home for Christmas and how happy they were when they had all their "babies" under one roof again. This is how I feel. Except I can't count down. I can't visit, I can't call, I can't video chat, or text.  I wait.  And while I wait my family here just doesn't feel right, it isn't whole. It's frustrating because I have children here and a child there. I don't want to just go be with her and leave behind everyone here. I want us all together.  I gotta tell you, I was hoping the Mayans got freakishly lucky and were right so I could take my whole little family and zip right to heaven together. How glad I am of KNOWING I'll be there some day. Someone told me Christmas and Easter would take on new meaning, and they did.  There is so much more to it then "yah, I believe in God" . How I ache for the people I know, family, that just believe, they don't BELIEVE. 

It's 2:30 am.  It's been an emotional few days. I dont know if it was the tea I had before bed or just a need to swirl thoughts around in my head...or better yet try to make the swirling stop.  What a random, unorganized post with no direction this is.  I'm hoping when I look at it tomorrow that it at least makes sense.  I'm betting my best thinking is NOT at this time.  :)   There is more to come, so much more. And slowly, as I can put it into words it'll appear here...for my own sake of needing to get things out if nothing else.  And for the curious people, well, stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. A loss like this is something that's to hard for people to understand and unfortunately death is an awkward thing. People can only say 'sorry for your loss' and 'hope you're all doing ok' there's nothing anyone can say or do to make it so you could have your little angle baby back with you. Doing this blog is a great thing Bec. Don't keep your feelings all to yourself. Sharing is "therapy" all on its own. Keeping it in will only make you feel even lonelier. People may not comment much or have the right thing to say but I know when I read it, I feel for you in a way I can't put into words. Positive thoughts and prayers are all I can do for you. Its hard to stay positive even when what's going on in your life is this heartbreaking. But there's light at the end of the tunnel I promise!! You WILL get to see your daughter again, and now there's a new little babe. coming that otherwise wouldn't have a chance. Love you all very much and am always thinking of you <3