Sunday, October 21, 2012

Grief

I hate grief. I hate that grief is so unique to each person.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit.  There is no definitive list of how it will look, I can’t check off the different steps and know how long until the end.  There is a list of “stages of grief”, but even those will be accomplished in no particular order and you can be in several stages at once or even circle back through them.  I don’t like it.  I am a list maker, I like checkmarks and order. I don’t like surprises and unknowns.  How do you deal with something like that?  Grief is so much more then just being sad and crying some tears.  This sadness is unlike anything I’ve ever dealt with.  The sadness is all through me, it is tangled around my soul.  Sure, I laugh at the kids and still see the beauty in the changing leaves but it is still there, I am not better.  Lately people have been expressing what I take as surprise that I am still sad. I wonder if it would surprise them more to know that NOW is harder then those first few weeks were.  That brief period of shock has worn off, the cards and calls have stopped, and I am alone to deal my broken heart.  Yes, I’m still sad.  Some days are ok.  Some days I can barely function because the pain is just throbbing through me and there is nothing I can do to escape it.  This is not something I can just shrug off.  I think of the verses in Ecclesiastes “a time to be born and a time to die…a time to heal…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance”.   I don’t need to push myself, I can just be sad and that is ok.  Even Jesus took the time to cry when Lazarus died.  I believe I lost something worth crying over.  My Landyn is one of my children.  She was conceived in the same love, her coming was discovered with the same joy, I saw her ultrasounds and heard her heartbeat with the same amazement, I felt her move with the same excitement, I love her just as much as my other kids.  With the overwhelming sadness comes so many other emotions.  It is very confusing to have so much going on in your head.  There is fear, anger, loneliness, guilt, stress, and depression.  Sometimes it’s not too bad, sometimes they all hit at once.  It is a lot to work through.  Honestly, there is not much people can do to help.  Just be there.  I have to deal with the emotions as they come, I could be fine one moment and fighting tears the next.  Don’t change the subject or be afraid to bring it up.  You wanna know something?  I didn’t forget. It’s ok to mention Landyn.  Actually, please do, because when you speak her name you acknowledge her, you recognize that she is my daughter and that even though she isn’t here now that she DID live. I love her, I always will. A piece of my heart will always be with her.  I will not get over this, I will get through it. I will not come out on the other side the same person I was before.  Grief is horrible but necessary.  It shows my love for my tiny daughter, because if I didn’t love her like I do it wouldn’t hurt so much.

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