Monday, September 10, 2012

Graveside Musings

Yesterday we went to check Landyn’s grave. Both of the potted plants had blown over and since they were on their side they didn’t get any of the water from the rain the day before.  We tossed out the leftover funeral flowers, I was impressed how long they lasted.  We did manage to save the water in the bottom of the vase to water the two potted plants.  Good thinking, husband!  As I stood there in the hot sun looking at the tiny grave of my daughter I didn’t feel sad.  All I could think was, “Who would have thought?”  Never, in my life, would I have pictured myself in this position.  Not that I thought I was immune.  It’s the kind of thing you think about, pray never happens, then move the thought quickly from your mind.  But, I realize you can’t prepare yourself for this because it isn’t healthy.  How could you live your life planning for the unexpected death of your child?  Waiting for grief.  If you did that you would be so focused on what never may be that you would miss what IS.  What if from the beginning of my pregnancy, when I was having all those feelings of “something isn’t right”, I just went with it?  I would have experienced the whole thing differently.  True, I suppose I would have kept myself from bonding, from dreaming and planning.  But…I would have missed the bonding, the dreaming, and the planning.  I would have viewed my pregnancy differently. It would have just been something that never would be instead of my baby that I loved and wanted.  While it’s hard to not know what will come, to trust God with the lives of my family, I think there is a blessing in NOT knowing.  It’s hard, now, to deal with the fact that I will never have my 5th child here with me. I will never nurse her to sleep, never put her baby soft hair in teeny pigtails, never watch her learn new things, or grow up.  It’s hard.  But it’s right and good and ok…because it’s what it is supposed to be.  I’ll miss her always.  Her short life wasn’t wasted though, look what she has already taught me, look how she has made me cling to the One who will bring me through this.  I can’t help but think of the foolish man who built his house on the sand and when it rained and flooded his house collapsed and the wise man who built his house on a rock and when the rains and floods came his house stood firm.  My house isn’t finished, I build on it a little more each day, but a long time ago I built it on a rock and I hope I never choose to move it.  God is my rock, the house is my life, and right now the roaring flood waters are losing my sweet little girl.  I’m clinging to that rock, sometimes by only my fingernails it seems, but I’ll never let go because without it I’d be swept away by the flood and drown under it all.  Turns out, maybe you CAN prepare. What is your house built on?  Are you striving to be wise? Or foolishly building on something that will never hold?  Make your choices now and choose well because you never know what will be.

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