Tuesday, August 28, 2012


It was a Thursday, August 23, the sun was shining, it was a normal day. An anticipated day. The whole month before had seemed so long as I waited very eagerly to find out if you were a boy or girl. I desperately wanted a girl. That morning I got up, had breakfast, and got in the shower. There I noticed how nervous I was, a feeling I had never had before an ultrasound. Why nervous? It didn’t make sense. I also felt very emotional and had the sudden urge to cry. I remember telling myself I was all worked up for nothing. I got in the car to drive to the appointment and I don’t remember much of the drive except praying most of the way and saying over and over, “The baby is yours Lord, it never was mine, it’s your baby.” I had a slight feeling of dread and a fear of what we would find at this ultrasound. I had known for weeks that you were not moving right, if at all, and that I really was not as big as I felt I should be for one day short of twenty weeks. God had been slowly preparing my heart for the next moments. In the ultrasound room I laid down on the table and the girl started. Right away I could see the circle of your head, but not really anything definite other than that. Kind of an unusual postion from what I had seen at other ultrasounds. There was no movement, but you had always been kind of quiet. The girl marked the placenta and the cervix then made a comment about the baby being on it’s head. She then started to look at you and slowly over and over moved the sensor over my belly. I know now she was looking for your heartbeat. I was too. It didn’t take more then a minute really, but it felt much longer, and she said she would be right back. I think at that very moment it was confirmed for me and daddy, without anyone saying anything, that you were gone. I looked over at daddy and he sat there with his head in his hands, I could do nothing for him. The girl came back with the radiologist who asked her to look at different things and turned on the colors to check blood flow. Nothing. I waited, hoping I was wrong, and he turned to us and said there was no heartbeat. I felt no pain at that very moment, only numbness and an unbelievable feeling that I was right. The girl was very kind and had to take several more measurements before she finished and asked if she could get us anything. We sat, and waited and waited for what felt for forever. Finally, Sharon, the obstetrical nurse came in and said the dr was dealing with another patient with loss that she couldn’t see us for at least half an hour. We opted to spend the time outside the building. We went to the car, daddy went to buy us a couple of waters. I think mostly we were just in shock as we sat there. The beginning of a nightmare no one expects to be in. Finally, daddy had to make some phone calls, he had to tell your grandparents you were gone. I know I never could have done it and I wish daddy never had to. I'll never forget the image of him pacing the parking lot with the phone to his ear. After our half hour we went back in, we had been told not to go the regular waiting room but to check in at radiology and ask for Sharon. She immediately came to get us and brought us into dr El Kareh’s office to wait for Dr. Herde. They were very careful to keep me away from other mommys. All the waiting seemed to take forever. What do you think about or talk about while you are waiting to discuss what happens next when your baby had died inside you. We talked with the dr for while, I wanted a chance to hold you and see you, to know if you were a boy or girl. I did NOT want to do a D&C where they would destroy your little body. I opted for labor. I asked some questions, but it’s hard to really think at a time like this. We set the induction for 9 the next morning and left the office. To come home and walk in the door, knowing I had to face people when I just wanted to hide, knowing your brothers were waiting to hear boy or girl was a horrible feeling. To have to tell my living children you would never come home and know they wouldn’t truly understand, how do you do that? A surreal feeling as my whole life had been altered and yet was exactly the same. Shock I suppose. I knew I didn’t want to have to tell each person I knew and relive this time with each one so I made a post on facebook hoping word would spread and I would be spared a terrible moment with someone who would ask how you were and I would have to tell them you had died. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep early that night but lying down in the quiet and dark would give my mind a chance to start replay all the unbelievable events from the day…I did not sleep much. I wandered the house, alone, in the dark and cried.

1 comment:

  1. I have no words, just cried and cried as I read this Bec.